Step 1: Rename the Dark Side to something more chic, packing true Jedi sex appeal. Simple. Even the Emperor could recognize we're working with the same demographics and psychographics as The Force. Thus, branding is simple. The Dark Side becomes "The Alternative." The black hole of my freezer is now Arcade Fire hip.

A somewhat obvious comparison in attire produces similar disparities: Jedi warriors in rags resembling the homeless versus the entire Empire fleet rocking Rolling Stones-like pleather. Upon closer inspection, lowly storm troopers are packing an Apple iPod color scheme. The medium is the message, folks.