Babes of Yore: Sharon Stone

News Type: Opinion — Fri Aug 17, 2007 1:36 PM EDT

entertainment, humor, hollywood, comedy, hot-chicks, blondes, stuff, maxim, sharon-stone, kim-basinger, komodo-dragon, basic-instinct, catherine-tramell, glen-close, stardust-memories

Mike Dojc

Sharon Stone in 1992

In honor of Stuff Magazine's last chapter I'm posting a pair of my contributions to the popular lad mag. Here is 1 of 2.

When she opened her legs? Fantastic. When she opened her mouth? Not so much.

1958
Sharon Stone is born in Meadville Pennsylvania. A few years later, her neck is sliced in a horseback-riding fall, leaving a huge scar. As for the horse? A three-picture deal with Miramax. Way to turn tragedy into triumph Mr. Neigh-Neigh!

1980
Has a dialog-free debut in Woody Allen's Stardust Memories. "I looked at her and thought, I would really like her to kiss me," says Allen of their first meeting. Of course the delightfully nebbishy director is joking. At 22, Sharon is already too old for him.

1985
Sharon stars in King Solomon's Mines. In other news: The Super Bowl-shuffling Chicago Bears proclaim that they're so bad, they know they're good, blowing your minds like you knew they would. We don't argue!

1987-1990 Loses to Glenn Close and Kim Basinger in Fatal Attraction and Batman respectively. Happily, she does end up landing leads in Action Jackson and Police Academy 4. Did we say happily? Somebody get us a competent proofreader.

1990 Sharon costars with Ahnold in Total Recall. Her accompanying Playboy spread leaves little to the imagination. And trust us when we say we have a good imagination. We create all sorts of fanciful worlds that exist solely within our own minds!

1992
Stars in the hit Basic Instinct. Sharon claims director Paul Verhoeven tricked her into filming the cooterific close-up, using the excuse that her panties were creating a camera glare. Stone says he then promised, "No one will know you're not wearing them." "Bull@!$%#," coughs Sharon's crotch.

1995
Stone divulges that she'd contracted cancer in 1991. "When I stopped drinking coffee, 10 days later I had no tumors in any of my lymph glands," claims sharing Sharon. After a collective "that's impossible" from the medical community, Stone's publicist states she was merely misdiagnosed and actually had nothing more than a coffee allergy. God bless publicists and the verbal diarrhea they wipe up.

2000
Sharon sports a shorter, more boyish 'do. And the role that follows? Playing Ellen DeGeneres' life partner in HBO's If These Walls Could Talk 2, of course. The director let her work around her softball-coaching schedule!

2001
As a Father's day gift, Sharon and her newest husband, Phil Bronstein, visit a Komodo dragon, and the lizard bites Bronstein's big toe. Four months later, Sharon has a brain hemorrhage. "Are the two instances related?" you ask. Uh, dude—please tell us you're kidding.

2002
Stars as the narrator in the beloved children's book-turned-animated television series Harold and the Purple Crayon. But it's just her voice, not her face. And the reason for this? It's an animated series. Man, wise up.

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{"commentId":956130,"authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}

lauhal

filming the cooterific close-up

OMG that is HILARIOUS!

{"commentId":956130,"threadId":"139243","contentId":"902834","authorDomain":"LAUHAL63"}

5 votes

#1 - Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:16 AM EDT

{"commentId":956421,"authorDomain":"vicaxp"}

vicaxp

Fun stuff, Mike! Well done!

{"commentId":956421,"threadId":"139243","contentId":"902834","authorDomain":"vicaxp"}

5 votes

#2 - Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:06 AM EDT

{"commentId":956450,"authorDomain":"softfacts"}

M. Remmers

This should be a reoccurring feature.

{"commentId":956450,"threadId":"139243","contentId":"902834","authorDomain":"softfacts"}

4 votes

#3 - Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:45 AM EDT

{"commentId":956459,"authorDomain":"softfacts"}

M. Remmers

Sharon claims director Paul Verhoeven tricked her into filming the cooterific close-up, using the excuse that her panties were creating a camera glare...

60% of the time it works every time.

{"commentId":956459,"threadId":"139243","contentId":"902834","authorDomain":"softfacts"}

7 votes

#3.1 - Sat Aug 18, 2007 7:51 AM EDT

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MIKE DOJC

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Babes of Yore: Sharon Stone

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