Start a Cult-Who Needs Family and Friends when you can have Minions?

News Type: Opinion — Fri Aug 11, 2006 9:13 AM EDT

odd-news, scientology, cults, l-ron-hubbard, brainwashing, charles-manson, jim-jones, waco, jonestown, branch-davidians, david-koresh, stewie, jews-for-jesus, moonies, children-of-god, iskcon, heavens-gate, solar-temple

Mike Dojc

I took Cults in America one semester in University. It was a night class and after a few introductory lectures on the perils of cults and the history of the more notable groups the professor invited cult representatives into the classroom to tell us about their religions. What amazed me was that after every presentation unfailingly a small handful of students in this 300-350 undergrad course would come up to the presenters afterwards and out of those two or three would ask to sign up. This got me thinking, I really ought to consider getting into this game so I did some research and even got my gameplan published

Follow our divine plan for founding your very own cult and you'll have a devoted following in plenty of time to greet the mother ship.

Start Smiling

Even the most demented cult leaders, from Charlie Manson to Martha Stewart, are charismatic. "It's all that micro-interaction in personal contact that hooks the person," says Lorne L. Dawson, author of Comprehending Cults: The Sociology of New Religious Movements. You can even lie at will, as long as you're charming: Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard claimed to be both an atomic scientist and an undercover agent.

Find a Philosophy

For your doctrine to appeal to the masses-or at least to weak-minded celebrities-you must focus on instant gratification. "[Children of God founder] David Berg got a revelation, announced it, and started sending young women to nightclubs to recruit men," says Dawson. "He took the Christian principle of love and extended it." Seems logical.

Recruit And Retain

The good news: Research has shown that people joining cults tend to be young, educated, well-off, and charitable. The bad news: Ninety percent of those who join quit less than two years later. Most cults are housed in urban settings, not remote tinderbox compounds, forcing your twisted little world to compete with the lure of normal life. So have your most trusted devotees coerce the flock. Convince wayward lambs that they need the cult, that life on the outside is grim, and that the people they alienated won't welcome them back. Hey, that sounds suspiciously like our jobs.

This story originally ran in Maxim magazine

Addendum- After rewatching Animal House and Old School maybe starting a fraternity would be even better

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6.2

{"commentId":247097,"authorDomain":"abenton"}

Andrew Benton

You could have all these different levels that you charge people to obtain, and get all of hollywood involved... oh wait someone already thought of that... DAMN YOU SCIENTOLOGY

{"commentId":247097,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"abenton"}

3 votes

#1 - Fri Aug 11, 2006 2:02 PM EDT

{"commentId":247130,"authorDomain":"dojc"}

Mike Dojc

Yeah Andrew, Hubbard's brilliance was realizing that he needed celebs to give his cult credence. This is from Wikipedia on Scientology & Celebs:

"L. Ron Hubbard recognized the importance of the artist to society. Thus he created Celebrity Centre International — a Church of Scientology that specializes in delivering Dianetics and Scientology services to celebrities, professionals, leaders and promising new-comers in the fields of the arts, sports, management and government."

{"commentId":247130,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"dojc"}

4 votes

#2 - Fri Aug 11, 2006 2:21 PM EDT

{"commentId":247170,"authorDomain":"stevetherobot"}

stevetherobot

Minions are sooooo 20th Century. What the 21st Century megalomaniac needs is a robot army!

{"commentId":247170,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"stevetherobot"}

3 votes

#3 - Fri Aug 11, 2006 2:51 PM EDT

{"commentId":247272,"authorDomain":"roger3000"}

roger3000

Does anybody here have the mojo for a cult of news. Would the minions be seeders?

{"commentId":247272,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"roger3000"}

5 votes

#4 - Fri Aug 11, 2006 4:07 PM EDT

{"commentId":248914,"authorDomain":"baxter"}

Tim Baxter

Minions are OK, but I think good henchmen are much more useful, if hard to find.

{"commentId":248914,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"baxter"}

3 votes

#5 - Sun Aug 13, 2006 12:38 PM EDT

{"commentId":248966,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

Walt D

Henchmen require elaborate costumes which are expensive. I prefer goons.

{"commentId":248966,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}

5 votes

#5.1 - Sun Aug 13, 2006 1:38 PM EDT

{"commentId":249721,"authorDomain":"baxter"}

Tim Baxter

Not necessarily, Walt. some of the best henchmen sort out their own business attire. Watch for the ones in black suits/black tie, and some sort of hat.. They tend to be very good.

I do wonder about the relative pay rates of henchmen/goons/minions/etc.

{"commentId":249721,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"baxter"}

3 votes

#6 - Mon Aug 14, 2006 8:33 AM EDT

{"commentId":249779,"authorDomain":"dojc"}

Mike Dojc

Tim, I think Walt was thinking of the henchman a la Shredder's crew in Ninja Turtles (so you got to pay up to make sure they're fully stocked with ninja stars).

re payrates:

Goons $12/hour [hey they could get work as bouncers if they wanted to]
Minions -.80 cents/ hour [good minions should pay you at least 10 per cent of their salaries]
Henchmen- If you want loyal guys and gals they can run you anywhere from $100-$10 000 per job
(Equipping them with ultra chic matching suits though is a good idea, not only to foster employee loyalty but if their garb is really @!$%#in it will helps attract new recruits]

**Source- Taking Over the World for Dummies

{"commentId":249779,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"dojc"}

4 votes

#6.1 - Mon Aug 14, 2006 9:27 AM EDT

{"commentId":249840,"authorDomain":"baxter"}

Tim Baxter

Thanks. It helps to have a citation.

What about thugs? Do they fall under the goon job classification?

I'm beginning to think helper monkeys may be the way to go for the bulk of the workforce, supplemented with a smattering of goons, henchmen (and, of course, lawyers) for the higher-level tasks.

But ya gotta love the helper monkeys.

{"commentId":249840,"threadId":"36411","contentId":"321238","authorDomain":"baxter"}

2 votes

#6.2 - Mon Aug 14, 2006 10:12 AM EDT

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MIKE DOJC

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Start a Cult-Who Needs Family and Friends when you can have Minions?

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